failtactical | CONGRATULATIONS SHINJI

CONGRATULATIONS SHINJI

[s-s-surprise candle call?!]

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[siiiiighs]

It's not... something I want to talk about. Not when it's been so long since the last time we talked.

. . .

I'm sorry. I don't . . . want to bring up negative memories for you, Misato-san. I just—

[shakes her head]

I've already come to terms with it... It's you I'm worried about.

That's why I was asking if it's my fault.

It's not your fault. It's... nobody's fault, really.

[she sounds like she wants to add something else, but ends up saying nothing instead]

. . .

Misato-san . . .

Would it have been better if I never . . . if you didn't speak with me again . . .?

[she seems really taken aback at first, but when she speaks her tone is serious and unwavering]

... No. No, I—I don't understand where you'd get an idea like that, but no.

If there's anything I regret about you it's... not having been able to empathize with you more. [a beat] I kept projecting all of my issues and desires onto you without ever giving you much of a choice.

So I'm glad that we're speaking again. I wanted to see you again, Shinji-kun.

[sucks in a breath, eyes widening, jerking a little]

[then just crumples forward, covering his mouth as he lets out a short, broken sob]

[nnnoooooooo]

—Shinji-kun!

[he's struggling a little, fighting between the kneejerk reaction to always keep his emotions tucked away, and just—the sudden stab in his chest, tears streaming]

M-Misato-san, Misato-san . . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry . . .

[instinctively leaning closer again, one hand half-reaching for him]

W-What? No. There's nothing you need to apologize for!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—!

Shinji-kun! It's okay!

I'm sorry—I'm sorry I called—if you were happy, if you were fine, I shouldn't have—

—I'm happy you called!

I caused the Third Impact!

Wh...?!

[. . . lapses into silence after that outburst, not meeting her gaze]

[please hold this isn't processing at all]

[okay I will just enter a self-hate spiral]

[it's cool]

[still not processing this at all but no let's keep talking]

Shinji-kun, what happened...?

[flatly, toneless]

I just told you.

... I don't understand...

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